i am the confusior

i'm basically the crappest blogger ever. already in this first sentence i've used the word crappest. crappest? that's definitely not a word. who cares. i'm in hua hin in thailand visiting my friend emile. emile lives in his bosses house. his boss doesn't live here. emile works from home. emile doesn't do any work. he's supposed to be working today and we've just woke up at 3pm. i hate emile. i'm messaging one of his friends on msn letting her know that he's deeply in love with her. is that wrong? no. it's karma. someone has to do it.

From DMZ, My Son and Da lat

joe kinnear is averaging 1 point every game. i'm unsure how i feel about him. i think i really like him. or do i want to hit him with a bat? i'm confused. just more than one point joe. then we can be real friends. i've already arranged emile a date for tonight. he's taking her to the hilton. he must have money to burn that boy.

From nice to meet you

dalat's been a highlight so far. as has mui ne. dalat's like some old colonial french town in the hills which is totally different from the rest of vietnam. myself and rich hired two motorbikers to drive us around for the day. my driver was called tom and rich's was called jerry. they found this hilarious. i blended in with the locals by wearing some giant white sunglasses.

From DMZ, My Son and Da lat

we visited an array of beautiful places; gateshead, shepherds bush, earlsfield.......no, no we didn't. we saw coffee fields, flower plantations - is that right? they're not just big gardens, or are they? or is it a coffee plantation? who cares. places where they grow coffee, flowers, vegetables, make rice wine and cotton and other such cultural niceties. we also payed homage to a little known waterfall which we were nearly swept away by. waterfalls love monsoons. fact. fact of nature.

From DMZ, My Son and Da lat

i was thinking about asking rich if it would be disrespectful to take pictures in the buddhist temple we were visiting, only to find him around the corner riding a sacred golden dragon. unbelievable.

From DMZ, My Son and Da lat

later on i fell out of a tree, declined a drink of bird wine....erm, i'd sooner toast my own face thanks squire, then in the evening myself and rich got lost for 3 hours. all irrelevant. the place was a beaut. i also asked a australian man what a galar was. he informed me it was a bird. i then asked him, if you were lucky enough to be in possession of said bird, why would you set it on fire? i then enquired why there always seems to be a shortage of shrimps on barbeque's in australia. why not put more on to begin with, thus rendering the unneeded and possibly wasteful task of throwing more on at a later date. he informed me that only alf off home and away uses such terms and they're an untrue representation of the nation as a whole. i'm not convinced.

From DMZ, My Son and Da lat

i'll remember mui ne for a few reasons. mui ne is beautiful. it's on the coast. it's small. not small as in tiny, or phats and small, or gladstone small the ex-england fast bowler without a neck (i believe the medical term is a 'heck'), but nice, quaint, idyllic small. i felt guilty about being there. i've done nothing to deserve it. i slept on the beach one night, as an act of kindness, and was subsequently feasted on by a variety of creatures. most likely to be mosquito's and sand-flies, as i have no evidence i'm not ruling out any animals. i might start punching cows again. it's addictive. anyway that event reduced my guilt temporarily.

From nice to meet you

i slept in a petite beach side hut complete with swimming pool and amazing views for $5 a night. i satayed for 4 days. i meant to write i stayed for 4 days. it would be impractical to satay my entire body for 4 days. it would wash off in the sea for starters, i'd get sand stuck to me and where the fuck am i going to find enough peanuts to make the damn sauce? ridiculous.

From Mui Ne

anyway i saw plenty of the place. a few of us went on a tour in a jeep. we saw red sand dunes, white sand dunes, a nice fishing village and sandboarded on a plastic tray. finally we walked along some sort of river of mud. my guilt was returning, but then a local kid who was supposed to be our guide just kept on murdering crabs for fun. at least i don't murder crabs. i'd murder a cat though. or a bird. it wasn't your usual tour, but it was different.

From Mui Ne

the final stop in vietnam was saigon. it's pretty much the same as hanoi, just without a lake. that's that coved. i visited the ho chi tunnels. more vietcong stuff. don't bother going. the ones in the DMZ are much better. our coach driver got lost. then our guide lost us. then we were shown a propaganda video which used the phrase 'american killing hero' many times. admittedly this was highlight number one. highlight number two was watching a fat american woman get stuck in an underground hiding hole. i thought i'd rather take a picture than help. i am being nice though. i've been to an orphange and everything. i'll write about that next time. i'm tired now.

From Saigon

newcastle just won 3 - 0. joe kinnear. i always had faith in the man. he reminds me of jesus.